A Brief Introduction to My Nemesis

I am nothing if not rational.  So the other night, when I convinced myself for absolutely no reason at all that I might at this very moment have only months to live, all of my friends Spencer my dogs and I were very concerned.   There are several things that I want to do before I go, and in the(yes Spencer, I know, highly unlikely) event that I’ll be going in the next few months, I want to have at least attempted them.  I am happy to note that getting a job is not one of them, so I have no added guilt on that front.  But writing a blog is one, so here goes.

The thing about blogs is that they’re on the Internet.  AKA Happy Magical Fantasy Wonderland.  Anything you can imagine can be found in HMFW (Ed’s note – they call that Rule 34, and you probably don’t want to reference that in your very first post).  It turns out that Disney knew exactly what HMFW was when creating Fantasia – namely, there’s sexuality, bestiality, and nightmare-inducing horror always just around the corner.  Most importantly, though, not everything on the Internet is, strictly speaking, true.

And so, the layout for this blog.  This is not about honesty.  That is not my goal here.  It is, however, going to be my very best attempt to be optimistic.  This is a pretty big step for me.  Optimism is not my thing.  But if I was able to not kill myself through the various Disney movie sequels and the same Teletubbies episode on repeate while stuck in a car for three days as a teenager, then I can do optimistic.  (See?  Optimistic already).

With one exception.

This guy.

He is the bane of my existence.  Because this is HMFW, I’m going to call him LouDog, the name Spencer and I should have given him when we got him from the pound.   

LouDog is my nemesis.  He is constantly not doing anything I tell him to do.  He pulls on the leash.  He licks everything, all the time.  He does not Sit, even though we both know that I know that he knows exactly what that means.  He takes my spot on the bed.   

And so I chase him with the vacuum cleaner.  Possibly every day.  And I do this:

We spar.  Oh yes, we do.  And he is stronger than I am, I will admit.  Literally.  My right arm is bruised from where he viciously threw me against a fence in his attempts to lick a dog on the other side of said fence while we were running.  Whatever, I tripped.  Still his fault for licking everything. 

He’s evil.  And his evil must be stopped.